i have put off blogging for a while now. thats partly because i’ve been feeling pretty down on myself at practice lately :/ i can’t seem to get rid of the jamming bug, i just keep trying and failing. i had a mini outburst tuesday AND thursday trying to jam. i just can’t even get through the pack for my initial pass anymore! especially if burger is blocking me, or even worse, burger and liberty. so there’s this new thing we do, if the jammer cant get through she just becomes a fifth blocker. guess who’s calling out “five” a lot now?…

i feel like it’s a cop-out, yes, but if the other jammer is already making scoring passes, and if i were to get through, she’d just call it off… whats the point of keeping trying to get through? maybe it is better to just stop trying, and just work defense. keep that other jammer from getting more points. (did i get the offense/defense thing right? i just learned in the past year what they meant, and i always forget still)

so basically, here’s where i’m at. if we’re scrimmaging, and i see the jammer spot empty, i think okay i’m gonna try it. then as soon as i can’t get through, it kind of kills something inside of me. as soon as the other jammer comes around again, it basically crushes any motivation i had and i accept that i’m probably not going to be able to score any points.  i start beating myself up in my head, yelling at myself, thinking this is the last time, last time god damn you! never again.

i try to juke, but that just doesnt seem to work for me, it does nothing in the way of faking out my opponents. or maybe it does, but i hesitate for that split second where maybe i could get through, because i think that i won’t be able to. i don’t even know anymore. anyway the next step to this process is the jam is called off and i want to cry and tell myself to never jam again. this feeling lasts for a few more jams, at least one. but then i’ll see that star panty lying on the floor, and a glimmer of hope and determination sparkles in my eye… then the whole thing repeats.

yes, i’m still trying, but is it for any good? i’m not getting any better, in fact i’m getting worse because i’m at the frustration tipping point where it’s really fucking with my head. thursday i was so upset watching other jammers breeze through time after time, i started crying. i need to let this want go, just get rid of it. so thats what i’m gonna do. i’m going to put off the goal of becoming a jammer for a little bit, and just worry about being the best blocker i can be. lord knows that needs work anyway!

now for something positive. i’m just gonna copy and paste my ichange journal post from the other day. i was high off this for a while!

i’ve been dreading this weeks “hard workout” (my words) on the roller derby workout challenge… 100 burpees in 10 mins & 100 star jumps in 10 mins. thought about putting it off until the end of the week, but after i felt like i got some mojo back at practice last night, i wanted to keep the momentum going. i remember how hard it was for me to do during last year’s challenge, but i also kind of had a feeling i might surprise myself. either way, planning my post-workout snack helped get me motivated to get into it. i had to bake a sweet potato to use later in my sweet potato protein smoothie, so there was no backing out of this workout. well the burpees were not that hard really! my body is trained to just bust them out now i think Smile.png i finished 100 in 9 minutes. earlier today i had questioned weather i should take it easy and just do one part of the workout, but i was so proud of myself i didn’t want to cheat myself. the star jumps were definitely harder, but i told myself this is a CHALLENGE, its not gonna be easy. i finished 5 minutes ahead of time and after taking a little break, was able to bust out 50 more! and let me just say, this post-workout sweet potato protein smoothie is the best tasting this to ever meet my lips Grin.png

and for anyone who’d like the recipe, here it is. seriously, it was so fucking delicious.

puree the following in a blender. 1/2 cup mashed sweet potato, 1 banana, 1/4 cup nonfat plain greek yogurt, 1/4 almond milk (or your fav milk), 1 scoop french vanilla herbalife shake mix (or one tablespoon of your preferred protein powder), 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract, 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon, 4 ice cubes. the recipe called for 1 tablespoon agave nectar but i tasted it and it didn’t even need it so i left it out. i forgot to add a dash of nutmeg as well. 370 calories, protein 15g, carbs 68g, fat 6g.

oh, and ps- this smoothie is like a meal, it will fill u up! and the day after that hard workout, boy did i wake up sore. i was searching the apartment for marks calcium magnesium tablets before work that morning!