i feel like its been forever since i blogged on here. well last tuesday’s practice was not a good night for me. in the car on the ride home, ali was talking to me and i was just kind of vaguely answering her. guess thats when carpooling sucks, when youre feeling totes shitty about yourself. all i wanted to do was be alone and cry about my performance that night.
we did a pace line, where the slowest skaters went in the front and fastest in the back. the first one would go as fast as they could for a lap and everyone had to keep up with them, then theyd cool off on the small track while the next skater went, until everyone went. well i’m glad i’m not a faster skater because then i would have had to keep skating for all those people’s turns! i was second in line, after ali. man she really pushed! i definitely was slower than her. i was getting a nasty blister and it hurt sooo bad to follow her and try and keep up, and then do my own. it sucked. it turned out to be a blood filled blister when i got home and looked at it, unlike my past ones which were filled with clear fluid. weird. i never popped it, and now its just this under the skin scab, haha….
anyway we scrimmaged a bunch last tuesday, and i got to jam. i use the word jam loosely, as it took me fucking forever to get through the pack. zipper kept knocking me down over and over and i was like wtf!? i mean cant she see i’m not that great, so maybe take it a little easy on me? its practice, not the real thing.
i was too terrified to try to get through anybody. why did my fear come back? maybe it never left, i cant remember. but yeah zipper kept knocking me down and out of bounds, and at one point i really didnt want to get back up and keep trying, i was near tears. so when i got up, i just kind of slowly skated up to the back of the pack and lost all intentions of trying to get in or through. i was sick of being knocked down, and just too damn scared. yeah thats right, i gave up. i thought, i’m never going to be a jammer so what does it matter?
the next day at work i couldnt stop thinking about how ashamed i was that i gave up, and contemplated for the 2309482374th time quitting. seasonal depression was sinking in, thats for sure. i was really glad at the end of the night tues that i could tell tara i wasnt going to be there thurs. i was going to a show with mark in scranton, and i was glad to get away from derby for a night.
then friday a few of us radicals went to the rink in dallas, the rollaway to check out the floor and see if we could have bouts there. they told jen no right away, fuckers. our rink is upping the rent for practicing, and we need to find a venue for one of our bouts cuz theyre dicks about bouts too.
i did have fun hanging with the girls at rollaway, but leaving, i slipped on the black ice in thier poorly lit, inclined parking lot and fell right on my elbow! fail.

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