all last week i was nervous for the scrimmage with lehigh valley rollergirls sunday. after my bad night thursday, i even didnt want to go! but saturday night i texted ali and she said she was still sick, nervous but still gonna go to it, do her best and hope not to get killed. so i kinda decided to do the same. sunday morning i even felt alittle excited! mark ironed on my number onto one of his white teeshirts, and i sewed some on to one of my black tank tops. i wished we could just wear our purple jerseys.

i rode down with mallory in mj’s car. we talked about how we were all nervous. poor mal was sick, she was so pale. mal said at the skyland bout the night before diva had broken a skate and she hoped she wouldnt be skating at the scrimmage cuz she targets new girls. yikes! it only took an hour and ahalf to get to the rink. when we were real close i started to feel really nervous – like i was gonna puke or cry or something! i kept telling myself to calm down. when we walked in, i saw that thier rink was very different than ours, smaller, and they had a lot of rollergirls. we emptied our bladders from the trip and geared right up and got on the track. diva was gearing up and i was like oh no! i hope she doesnt target me… girls were skating opposite direction in the small track and regular direction on the outer. i was skating on the outer, but the wall was so close on the one side! my left shin was sore, i couldnt wait to stretch out properly.

we made a (huge) circle to stretch, and thier captian minerva steel led the stretches. her number was something like 4’9″, she was a tiny girl! they had a lot of stretches we dont do, pluss crunches and push ups. i was sweating bad!

the first thing we did was our only endurance thing, tractor trailers, but they called it something else. diva was in my group, it was a group of 4. i was definitely the slowest when it was my turn to push. then we got right into the scrimmage, them vs us, except we had to borrow 2 of thier girls cuz it was uneven. i felt excited! then jen told me and ali that we’d probably both only get to go in 1 or 2 times today. that dissapointed me. as i watched the first few jams i thought why did i even come if i’m not going to get to participate? i also was on the black/purple team so i didnt need my home made numbered jerseys after all!

not too far in, jen put me in as b1. once i started, i realized i was in over my head! i kept thinking i had to do well to show jen i deserved to go in more. then it hit me that i had no idea what i was supposed to do. 4 on 1s are soo different than actual scrimmaging. it was so overwhelming, and i felt so clueless. i was just another body on the track. 😦

i got put in as b1 and b2 probably 10 times the whole night. in the beginning i definitely forgot that the game is played behind you. i was just focused on not falling behind, and not falling. i fell a few times that day. once after getting up, i got stuck behind 3 girls on the white team, and had no idea what to do. no idea. i didnt even know where i was supposed to be! i could hear people yelling for me to get past them but i couldnt. i was so ashamed.

after the first few jams, jen called a huddle to tell us that we were panicking out there, and to calm down, these girls played a lot like us. i could see that our team was sorta panicking. i know i was. everything i knew flew out the window. ali was “ready to shit her pants” but she did fine, probably same as me except she didnt fall down. mj got put in to jam right away, and did all night! she did really well, as i and i think everyone else expected. i wish i could have advanced at her level. we started basically the same time :/

the second period we did mash up, and that was worse for me because i’d be out there in the pack with girls i didnt know on my team. i felt shy, i was too scared to talk to them. one time when diva was coming up as opposing jammer, i think i actually held my line as b1 and didnt let her get through. thats my one victory of the day! the girl who was pivot for that jam told me good job 🙂

after i’d come back to the bench, i’d be dissapointed in how i just did, and i’d think theres no way jens putting me back in again, at least i hoped she wouldnt cuz i had no idea what i was doing out there! but a few seconds would pass and i would want to try again. id be angry watching jen tell everyone what to do, and feel bitter. but then i would go back in and suck and it was just this sad cycle. agh! i couldnt even pay attention when i wasnt playing. i’d get lost in thought, putting myself down, wondering why i’m even doing roller derby. its so hard for me to follow the game… after that was over, that was it. i thought itd be more of a joint practice where we’d exchange drills and tips. it wasnt though, just straight scrimmage.

i took off  my pads, feeling dejected and embarassed with my performance 😦 i got into the car, real quiet. shannon came in the car on the way home, and we stopped at burger king, where mj told a funny story and it made me laugh a ton. that made me feel better. in the bathroom jen asked how i felt about the day. i said, i dunno… bad. she asked why, and i told her about how i dont like sports, and i have such a short attention span, i cant even keep my head in the game. she said i should be proud for how i did, and gave me a hug. she said there were times she really thought i was going to quit!

on the ride home, we mostly talked derby. at first i thought omg i’m getting derby overload, but i actually was able to contribute to the conversation. we talked about how it sucks that attendance is down at practices, cuz 4 on 1s are alright but we really need to practice scrimmaging, because they are two totally different things! towards the end we had some real funny conversations, and i felt like i was bonding with the girls. that part was great! i dont think i really had fun at the scrimmage, but i definitely did on the drive home!

in retrospect, i didnt need to be as nervous as i was. i wish i could say i had an amazing time, and i did awesome, but thats not the case. i’ll just look at it as a learning experience. it made me question doing derby… but i’m headed to practice now so we’ll see….