i found out yesterday that i have almost $200 less in my bank account than i had thought… and it was a dumb fucking idea to start roller derby during this broke summer of mine anyway. so i think i’m going to quit for a while.
i dunno, i look at the real girls at practice sometimes and think, who am i kidding? i won’t ever be able to do that. and they haven’t reached out to me really, so i’m not losing any friends. i can tell jen just looks at me as a charity case. the new girls don’t matter to them, because they don’t know if they’re gonna stick around. its just another clique i don’t fit in to.

there is a derbygirl meet n greet at scranton hot topic that i was excited about going to (mainly because i just got a miniskirt and some fishnets on double clearance from hot topic i could wear!), but no one ever answered my comments on the event wall on facebook, asking for a ride up there. maybe if i felt they cared about me a little more i’d think twice about this decision.
but i am really not in a place at all to take out $40 from the bank tonight to go to practice and pay monthly dues. and marks getting broker, especially now he will since he’s been sick and taking time off work. so i cant accept his money any longer.
i guess it was just really stupid of me to join in the first place.
but it made me feel good for a very brief time. most of the time i had to force myself to go.
the usars payment still didn’t go through, i dont know if tara ever even sent the papers in for that, i texted jen to ask. and i emailed that shop to see if they sent out my knee pads yet to cancel that order.
mark says if i stop now, i won’t go back. i really want to, i do. even after i go back to work next month i’m still going to be broke unless i get a second job. in a perfect world, i wouldn’t be so fucking broke, and a roller derby community would open new members with open arms.
fuck.

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